It's been a few years since I've done this, written a blog post. But God has continued to lay things on my heart and this was always such a great place for me to write it all out, reflect and truly listen to what God has been saying to me.
I'm sitting here, the start of another year, reflecting back on the last couple of years. That's kind of a painful thing to do for me right now. Over the last few years parenting has become harder than ever before. Our 5 kids are now 4, 6, 7, 10 and 11 which just takes my breath away. It was just a few years ago that I had little ones under my feet. My life was birthing babies and nurturing those tiny little people. I remember the exhaustion, the never ending days, the crazy amounts of diapers changed and the ongoing tantrums well. But I also remember the snuggling, the little baby breath on my neck, the little pat of their hands as I nursed them at my chest, their tiny little voices and their need for constant hugs and cuddles. And man I miss it with every part of me. Sometimes I feel like I was made for that season of my life! I was good as a mom of lots of little ones. It was exhausting and fulfilling all at the same time.
Here I am now, entering a totally different season, and season that will bring more and more challenges. This season is home schooling, figuring out the hearts of all these growing people and what they each specifically need from me, navigating the world of preteen girls and the ongoing emotional roller coaster, sitting on beds and talking and talking when I really can't talk anymore. Honestly I'm feeling drained and I feel like my passion and joy in this journey has dwindled... a lot... more than I care to admit. Yet, I know I'm going to terribly miss this season as well. My time with kids in my home is fleeting, they aren't under my roof forever and I am going to miss THIS with every part of me in the future. So where do I go from here?!?! I want to live intentionally even through the trials and valleys.
The last few days I've prayed and prayed that God would help me start this year better, to fulfill me and sustain me and restore some of that lost joy. In this moment of feeling like a failure, feeling like joy is harder to get to these days of parenting, God didn't give a list of things I need to get better at... Instead God sent me a sweet reminder to focus. That's it. Focus on me Kristy, Focus on me Kristy. This is what I keep hearing from that still small voice. He only wants my heart and He never asked me to have it all together and know how to parent and house full of children with perfection. If I did it perfectly, if my kids obeyed perfectly then where would my need for Him come from. In this moment of feeling weak, run down, not the best finisher of 2018, this is where He meets me.
2 Corinthians 12: 9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
I will boast because I'm weak, because I'm weak He strengthens me. What a beautiful picture! He never ceases to amaze me in His constant pursuit of my heart.
2 Chronicles 16:9
"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed Him."
He searches for us, so that He can strengthen us. I do not have to mother in my own strength, in fact I can't!
Entering into 2019 I don't feel overwhelmed at trying to get to that place of being better at everything, instead I feel loved, encouraged and confident that if I remain Focused on Him and Him alone everything else will fall into place and that joy of my salvation will be restored. The joy in mothering will grow once again and He will help me to navigate this journey ahead of loving my family well and along with Jeffrey, leading these 5 precious hearts that He entrusted to us back to the One that created them. Day by day... hour by hour... And what an honor that truly is!
Jeremiah 29:!3
And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart
Hebrews 21:1-2
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the [a]author and [b]finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
